Your scripts on the site


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Erik

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Your scripts on the site
« on: April 05, 2008, 08:28:48 AM »
Hey there,

I've been browsing through the forum, and didn't find a topic where you can place your scripts. I've finished a  frist version of a script (short movie, about 10 pages) about 3 months ago, and translated it into English for the site. But before that, I was wondering.

Why aren't there any scripts that you guys wrote on the site? Is it because you don't want to put them here 'cause you're scarred that someone 'steals' your story, or just because you're not far enough with your scripts?

Can someone also please advise me why I should, or shouldn't put a script on this site?

Thank you!
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MrStone

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2008, 12:19:54 PM »
Personally, i'm not really open to letting someone just read my script unless I know them, and actually trust their input.  My intention is to market my script.  Besides that, I'm writing a feature length.

There are probably two or three here I might let read my treatment when/if I finish this weekend, but I will send it directly to them.

As far as you putting your script up here, I think that'd be cool.  I'm sure everyone on this site who reads it can provide constructive feedback.  I certainly can. 

MrStone

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2008, 12:21:03 PM »
On another note, Erik, my story features a character who saves my hero from certain destruction who goes by erik...

;)

Erik

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2008, 12:29:00 PM »
Alright, since it is a short script and my first version, I'll put it up here. I can really use the feedback. Right now I'm also writing a new script, and have a global story in mind for the next one. If those are going to be here...We'll se in the future... ;)

On another note, Erik, my story features a character who saves my hero from certain destruction who goes by erik...
I've been here for 2 days, and you already named a character after me? :o ;D
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Lifeordeath1

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2008, 01:41:27 PM »
Yeah!  I like reading over people's scripts.  Its fun giving feedback.  Let us know when you post it and where.   ;D
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Erik

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2008, 03:38:19 PM »
This topic, tomorrow evening after my work (will be about 20:00, Amsterdam timezone).

Can't wait for your opinion, but I have to go asleep now...busy day tomorrow :)
We can breath in space,
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Lifeordeath1

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2008, 10:44:21 AM »
Cool Beans!
"My biggest fear in life is to be average."
      M. Night Shyamalan

Erik

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2008, 12:25:14 PM »
Here it is!

My first moviescript!
(Script is saved as .pdf, you'll need adobe reader to open the file. Search for it on the web!)

Alright, there are 3 things which I want you to pay attention for.

First of all, the template. Is this a correct way to make a script? Have I used the codes in a right way? Any comments on that?

Second, my language. English is my second language. I haven't checked this script myself, but I'm sure I'll find a few mistakes, so how many can you find? (Search for wrong use of words, the past, present and future of words, anything you don't understand)

And last, but maybe the most important, the story. What do you think?

Have fun with reading it!
We can breath in space,
they just don't want us to escape...

Mr_Glass.1

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2008, 08:49:56 AM »
Don't have the time to read it write now, go to run, but I will look at it.  Right now I have several scripts, they are somewhat long, feature length, so I didn't want to put them up here, but I didn't think about the pdf. link.  ONe of them I didn't finish, the other one, I'm writing now, is still in the first draft, and life MrStone I wan't input that isn't thrown out there, I'm not saying you would, I just want official input, which I can use to better my script, plus, I'm going to enter this next film into several film festivals hopefully.
I see the world Lucius Hunt, just not the way you see it.


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MrStone

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2008, 10:21:46 PM »
Here it is!

My first moviescript!
(Script is saved as .pdf, you'll need adobe reader to open the file. Search for it on the web!)

Alright, there are 3 things which I want you to pay attention for.

First of all, the template. Is this a correct way to make a script? Have I used the codes in a right way? Any comments on that?

Second, my language. English is my second language. I haven't checked this script myself, but I'm sure I'll find a few mistakes, so how many can you find? (Search for wrong use of words, the past, present and future of words, anything you don't understand)

And last, but maybe the most important, the story. What do you think?

Have fun with reading it!

ok.  I've read your 11 page script.  Here are some thoughts.
Unfortunately, your format is wrong.  I don't really know how to explain it.  Formats for American film may be different ( I don't know), so you should try to find an american script and modify.

Use less camera direction.  The screenwriter's goal is to make it really feel like a movie, not necessarily like a director would feel.  Stage and camera directions are editing/director's decisions.  Just write the story and describe the scene.  Don't describe the shot.

Your english.  Being bilingual myself - I understand the difficulties of translating anything into another language.  Yes.  You did pretty well.  There are some things that could be corrected, but there weren't that many.

Your story.  My opinion of your story will change depending on whether or not this 11 minute sequence is part of a bigger story or if its the entire story within itself.  So, i'll address it from both of those view points.

Feature-length:  I honestly felt like there was more to the story that could happen.  There are some interesting things going on and I think it would be a marketable story if it were a 2-hour story.  There was little too much use of cliches.  It felt very similar to Saw.  However, if this 11 minute sequence was an opening sequence to a thriller (removing the giveaway of the psychiatrist), you could have something going here.  I would recommend you keep developing this story into a much larger concept.  There is a lot that could be done and it could be really interesting.  I know American audiences would want to see some resolve to what the psychiatrist is doing.

Short Story:  My biggest issue with it being a story by itself was that the resolve wasn't satisfying.  Most people don't like seeing the bad guy win.  The story feels bigger than 11 pages and has a lot of potential.  Don't take this as a negative comment, because it really is positive.  The chronology arrangement was interesting - and its a technique i've used before.  A technique that I really like. 

Another thing is this:  It's too easy for her to take the gun, take her friend there and then kill herself all in a very short time frame.  We don't really see the internal conflict.  Therefore, her actions aren't believable.  It's hard to buy it when you don't see her struggling to come to grips with it.  If I were to recommend re-writing, here's what I would say.  Reduce the amount of time on the party.  Start with her receiving the DVD and the gun, spend a lot of time on her conflict, then when she kills herself - we'll get it.  For Example...maybe in the conflict stage, we learn that she's just had an abortion on her teen pregnancy and her parents never knew.  To make matters worse, she was impregnated by her high school chemistry teacher.  Every one at school knows this, but somehow she has managed to keep it a secret from her parents.  Eventually they'll find out and she'll feel like more of a failure than she already does.  Let's even say that the high school guidance counselor has arranged a meeting with her parents when they get back from their trip to New York.  Now, introduce the idea - well, she can make herself less of a burden to her parents (in her mind)...and now we have a believable motive to kill herself.

Just my thoughts.  But overall..good job.  I'd really like to see you keep developing it.

Erik

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #10 on: April 08, 2008, 07:21:57 AM »
Alright, first of all. Thank you for your comment, it really helps me. I will make some changes in the format of my script tonight and make changes on the story later this week.

I will correct all the mistakes in spelling, wrong words, etc. I can find, but I think I will need your help with that.

As for the short story, the next few things I'd like to change. First of all, I agree with you that some scenes are going way to fast. From realising she has to 'murder' someone untill she kills herself just takes a few minutes. I have to extend that one and make her day more stressfull or something.
About the pregnancy, I'm not really into that but the idea of her in trouble with her parents is good. I'll see whatever I'm going to do with that.

As for the Feature-Length, I had my thoughts about that. I was thinking of a police detective, investigating the suicide of a girl and the connection of a missing friend of her.
The investigator is not far from a burn-out, and his boss sends him to a psychiastrist, where we see the investigator meet the bad guy, without knowing he's the one he's surching for.

We have a story about what happend, now the investigator needs to find the truth.
We can breath in space,
they just don't want us to escape...

Mr_Glass.1

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2008, 08:50:53 AM »
Allright, I read your script Erik, and I like it, I think it's got potential.  Though there isn't much to add beyond what MrStone said.  One question though, I think as a short story it works, but if you were going to make it longer, you would need a point you were driving to, is it the capture of the bad guy, the moral dilemma she was going through, or the experiment the psychiatrist was working on, do you understand what I'm saying.
I see the world Lucius Hunt, just not the way you see it.


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MrStone

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2008, 10:54:20 PM »
Alright, first of all. Thank you for your comment, it really helps me. I will make some changes in the format of my script tonight and make changes on the story later this week.

I will correct all the mistakes in spelling, wrong words, etc. I can find, but I think I will need your help with that.

As for the short story, the next few things I'd like to change. First of all, I agree with you that some scenes are going way to fast. From realising she has to 'murder' someone untill she kills herself just takes a few minutes. I have to extend that one and make her day more stressfull or something.
About the pregnancy, I'm not really into that but the idea of her in trouble with her parents is good. I'll see whatever I'm going to do with that.

As for the Feature-Length, I had my thoughts about that. I was thinking of a police detective, investigating the suicide of a girl and the connection of a missing friend of her.
The investigator is not far from a burn-out, and his boss sends him to a psychiastrist, where we see the investigator meet the bad guy, without knowing he's the one he's surching for.

We have a story about what happend, now the investigator needs to find the truth.

my suggestions were only really examples.  you can do it anyway you like.  It IS your story.  I'll take another look through this weekend, and give you some english revisions. (at least i'll aim for it)

Rohan

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #13 on: April 29, 2008, 06:20:00 PM »
Alright, first of all. Thank you for your comment, it really helps me. I will make some changes in the format of my script tonight and make changes on the story later this week.

I will correct all the mistakes in spelling, wrong words, etc. I can find, but I think I will need your help with that.

As for the short story, the next few things I'd like to change. First of all, I agree with you that some scenes are going way to fast. From realising she has to 'murder' someone untill she kills herself just takes a few minutes. I have to extend that one and make her day more stressfull or something.
About the pregnancy, I'm not really into that but the idea of her in trouble with her parents is good. I'll see whatever I'm going to do with that.

As for the Feature-Length, I had my thoughts about that. I was thinking of a police detective, investigating the suicide of a girl and the connection of a missing friend of her.
The investigator is not far from a burn-out, and his boss sends him to a psychiastrist, where we see the investigator meet the bad guy, without knowing he's the one he's surching for.

We have a story about what happend, now the investigator needs to find the truth.

It's nice, you can make it. If you try hard learning the basics of writing an spec script. I should say, there are some errors on the formatting. And don't use camera angles. Studios won't accept it at all. Just write what we can see or hear. No imaginations of the characters.

The beginning is catchy as your describe the camera angle goes through the gate. Instead using the word CAMERA, you could do this.

"We are looking at a steel gate entrance to the park. Well groomed grasses,
 a lake. Post Card perfect. People are busy playing, some doing nothing"


Why don't you this book. Its awesome. THE SCREENWRITERs BIBle by david Trottier. Its awesome.

Rohan

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Re: Your scripts on the site
« Reply #14 on: April 30, 2008, 09:14:19 AM »
Thanks for the tip about the Screenwriters Bible, I'll have to see if I can get ahold of a copy. 
I see the world Lucius Hunt, just not the way you see it.


Ivy Walker to Lucius Hunt in The Village