New screenplay, opinions please?


Author Topic: New screenplay, opinions please?  (Read 3126 times)

Erik

  • Futuristic (After Earth)

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 817
  • Personal Text
    d'oh!
New screenplay, opinions please?
« on: January 08, 2009, 01:06:12 PM »
Hey there,

A few weeks ago, I wrote a new short horror screenplay. It is the first time I wrote a horror movie, so I'd like to have your opinion. Can you please take a few minutes and read this 13 paged screenplay. I think it's pretty good, except for one thing. But if I tell you that now, it'll spoil the screenplay.

Here it is:
http://eduweb.hhs.nl/~07014759/files/the4th.pdf

Thanks already!
We can breath in space,
they just don't want us to escape...

Namaste

  • Futuristic (After Earth)

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 3217
  • Personal Text
    The divine in me bows before the divine in you.
    • myspace
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2009, 02:38:18 AM »
I won't mention spelling and grammar errors since you could easily get an editor to clear that up (and english isnt your first language)

Aside from that, the story was really hard to follow ..it's hard to differentiate between flashback and present-tense, and which tape recorder is what, etc. considering it was so few pages, the characterization of Jack was pretty good. There are some things which get too much detail and some things which don't get enough (for example it's not necessary to specify that a particular window looks out over 8th avenue unless it pertains to the story) There's also not enough info about whatever malevolent force it is that attacks Jack.
See the villain's larger eyes insinuating a just-off-normal perspective on how they see the world? I see signs Lucius Hunt; just not as you see dead people. I am so very happy we saw..each other, and no I will not tell you what color love is. Stop asking.

Erik

  • Futuristic (After Earth)

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 817
  • Personal Text
    d'oh!
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2009, 11:15:54 AM »
Alrighty, thanks. I'll see what I can change and stuff!
We can breath in space,
they just don't want us to escape...

Erik

  • Futuristic (After Earth)

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 817
  • Personal Text
    d'oh!
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2009, 11:40:16 AM »
Hey there everyone!

I just wrote a new short screenplay. It's shorter then my last one. Only 6 pages. It's named 'The End Of A New Beginning'. It's about two men overlooking World War I, they share experience and give their opinion about how Germany should live further.

http://www.savefile.com/files/1980885

Give your opinion, be shocked, change your life... ;)

Thanks!
We can breath in space,
they just don't want us to escape...

Erik

  • Futuristic (After Earth)

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 817
  • Personal Text
    d'oh!
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2009, 01:34:59 PM »
Anyone? (Namaste?)
We can breath in space,
they just don't want us to escape...

Namaste

  • Futuristic (After Earth)

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 3217
  • Personal Text
    The divine in me bows before the divine in you.
    • myspace
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2009, 07:06:30 PM »
Well Erich says he disagrees at the end, but during the conversation it didnt really seem to me like he was opposed to the idea, only curious and interested in what the man had to say. It's an interesting little slice of life though. The scene was pretty well-described..if it were to be filmed though, you would have to think about how you would make it look like post ww1.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2009, 07:09:45 PM by Namaste »
See the villain's larger eyes insinuating a just-off-normal perspective on how they see the world? I see signs Lucius Hunt; just not as you see dead people. I am so very happy we saw..each other, and no I will not tell you what color love is. Stop asking.

Erik

  • Futuristic (After Earth)

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 817
  • Personal Text
    d'oh!
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2009, 04:13:01 PM »
Yeah, well this story is actually only to be based on the ending.

When I had this idea, I was fascinated by it. When I wrote it, Erich, was first a journalist called Ludwig. But I changed that, when I had the idea of putting someone there who actually excisted and wrote a book about the war. After all, the other man excisted too.

Erich Maria Remarque was a German WW1 Veteran and writer. He wrote 'All Quiet On The Western Front', based on his experience during the first world war.
We can breath in space,
they just don't want us to escape...

Tommy Tammisimo

  • Praying with Anger

  • Offline
  • *

  • 3
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2009, 10:01:30 AM »
No offense but that vas some lousy writing. The minute, the second boys came in with recorder I knew it was his.

Therefore - no surprise on the end, nothing worth watching in my opinion.

That story would not take you anywhere.  :(

Erik

  • Futuristic (After Earth)

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 817
  • Personal Text
    d'oh!
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2009, 10:51:02 AM »
What gave it away? I don't really know where I gave too much away...?
How did you found out about that? Or was it just a feeling?
We can breath in space,
they just don't want us to escape...

Tommy Tammisimo

  • Praying with Anger

  • Offline
  • *

  • 3
Re: New screenplay, opinions please?
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2009, 07:39:45 AM »
Maybe it was just wrong forum to post it. People here expect that kind of stuff.
And on 13 pages there is not much to tell. So it was kind of those, I know what's
coming next, kind of stories. It goes with the same pattern and it does not differentiate
from any other story.

If you look at M. Night's script, there is nothing what suggests in the beginnning what is all about.

Your plot is way to simple. In the end it shouldn't be him to whom everything happens,
it really should be someone else. [one of the kids, for example, or his boss].  Then it would be a surprise.
I don't wanna suggest how to make things happen,
but surprise is when it's all covered good enough.

Like it's said in one movie: "The secret impresses no one. The trick you use it for is everything."

If that means anything to you.

And sometimes some things are sometimes better left unexplained and wondered,
to intrigue people on the way out of theatre,than to clear it all up.

For example: American Beauty, Cach? (Hidden).

Who did it? Why? How?

 ::)